How can you be so blind, to not see?
But when you know the truth, you blame it on me.

I remember the scissors
I remember the belt
I remember the way those things were held

Looking at your face, I thought I was staring in space

You gave up on me so easily,
I guess I was right.
You are heartbroken not because of I
but because it reflects on you
figured that you didn’t do it right

It has been about 2 weeks, but I finally left home during daytime. It has been about 3 weeks, but I finally switched on the air conditioning. So bloody tired, I slept at 233o. Now it felt like I ate a bug in my sleep. Finally, crossing off 1 of the 5 insects a person ate in their sleep. I think I choose something not so gooey, but no never a cockroach. The thought that if they didn’t die after the hydrochloric acid system, I will shit them out alive is disturbing. Maybe I’ll call that Alice the cockroach. It reminded me of a movie I watched recently, Submarine (2010). Pretty good, something you’ll watch again and like for about another 3 times in a month then it goes into the bi-annual category of the to-rewatch list. But then that list don’t really happens. It spoils the movie a little when you overwatch it but sometimes it’s comforting. Horrible discipline, I need to show up and do work more. Be less passive, after all I’m already 22. I need to bloody be at my most active. Im also at my heaviest. Oh I dreamt that I was having a donut in my dream, a glazed and lightly sprinkled with green tea powder donut. Must resemble the insect I ate, never mind shall focus on the other 4 more insects. It’s always 4 more. Oh ya, made a lot of excuses in my dream for my real life mistakes. No wonder I feel horrible, now I know why I feel horrible. Wow 10 minutes what a meditation. I wonder if the 7-11 staff would miss my 2am visit. Alright o345, getting up from this, I need me some fresh air. Such addictive air, but I’ll feel good so it’s okay.

I’m thinking hard. Should I cook maggie and forgo ze ciggaré or get some food outside and enjoy that ‘ré hahahahasbdkcndbxismuchachakanhsjxbsjsj@(“?$!/”,$/@:

I mean, to bring my work out or do it at home

The spirit of roach still disturbs me. It could get psychotic. I think now I understand why support is important, didn’t know then, didnt have it then. It could all be a little sappy story here, a little there, but I wouldn’t. I even thought for a moment when i run my hand through my hair that the knots in my hair were damn roach. Even though there wasn’t I was sincerely anxious for 10 minutes and now. So the support thing, I’m dying right here, a little of the spirit by a little of the spirit. Not a sad or down or self pitying story to describe. All I need is a reason, but that itself is an excuse, maybe time to take responsibility or maybe stop making responsibility out of things. Sometimes things are absurd. It’s hard to say if I’m trying my hardest. Still. End it. Be quiet. End it.

‘It has seemed to me that in the end the servility of thought, its submissiveness to useful ends, in a word its abdication, is infinitely dreadful.’ – Georges Bataille

Russell-Einstein Manifesto (1955)

In the tragic situation which confronts humanity, we feel that scientists should assemble in conference to appraise the perils that have arisen as a result of the development of weapons of mass destruction, and to discuss a resolution in the spirit of the appended draft.

We are speaking on this occasion, not as members of this or that nation, continent, or creed, but as human beings, members of the species Man, whose continued existence is in doubt. The world is full of conflicts; and, overshadowing all minor conflicts, the titanic struggle between Communism and anti-Communism.

Almost everybody who is politically conscious has strong feelings about one or more of these issues; but we want you, if you can, to set aside such feelings and consider yourselves only as members of a biological species which has had a remarkable history, and whose disappearance none of us can desire.

We shall try to say no single word which should appeal to one group rather than to another. All, equally, are in peril, and, if the peril is understood, there is hope that they may collectively avert it.

We have to learn to think in a new way. We have to learn to ask ourselves, not what steps can be taken to give military victory to whatever group we prefer, for there no longer are such steps; the question we have to ask ourselves is: what steps can be taken to prevent a military contest of which the issue must be disastrous to all parties?

The general public, and even many men in positions of authority, have not realized what would be involved in a war with nuclear bombs. The general public still thinks in terms of the obliteration of cities. It is understood that the new bombs are more powerful than the old, and that, while one A-bomb could obliterate Hiroshima, one H-bomb could obliterate the largest cities, such as London, New York, and Moscow.

No doubt in an H-bomb war great cities would be obliterated. But this is one of the minor disasters that would have to be faced. If everybody in London, New York, and Moscow were exterminated, the world might, in the course of a few centuries, recover from the blow. But we now know, especially since the Bikini test, that nuclear bombs can gradually spread destruction over a very much wider area than had been supposed.

It is stated on very good authority that a bomb can now be manufactured which will be 2,500 times as powerful as that which destroyed Hiroshima. Such a bomb, if exploded near the ground or under water, sends radio-active particles into the upper air. They sink gradually and reach the surface of the earth in the form of a deadly dust or rain. It was this dust which infected the Japanese fishermen and their catch of fish. No one knows how widely such lethal radio-active particles might be diffused, but the best authorities are unanimous in saying that a war with H-bombs might possibly put an end to the human race. It is feared that if many H-bombs are used there will be universal death, sudden only for a minority, but for the majority a slow torture of disease and disintegration.

Many warnings have been uttered by eminent men of science and by authorities in military strategy. None of them will say that the worst results are certain. What they do say is that these results are possible, and no one can be sure that they will not be realized. We have not yet found that the views of experts on this question depend in any degree upon their politics or prejudices. They depend only, so far as our researches have revealed, upon the extent of the particular expert’s knowledge. We have found that the men who know most are the most gloomy.

Here, then, is the problem which we present to you, stark and dreadful and inescapable: Shall we put an end to the human race; or shall mankind renounce war? People will not face this alternative because it is so difficult to abolish war.

The abolition of war will demand distasteful limitations of national sovereignty. But what perhaps impedes understanding of the situation more than anything else is that the term “mankind” feels vague and abstract. People scarcely realize in imagination that the danger is to themselves and their children and their grandchildren, and not only to a dimly apprehended humanity. They can scarcely bring themselves to grasp that they, individually, and those whom they love are in imminent danger of perishing agonizingly. And so they hope that perhaps war may be allowed to continue provided modern weapons are prohibited.

This hope is illusory. Whatever agreements not to use H-bombs had been reached in time of peace, they would no longer be considered binding in time of war, and both sides would set to work to manufacture H-bombs as soon as war broke out, for, if one side manufactured the bombs and the other did not, the side that manufactured them would inevitably be victorious.

Although an agreement to renounce nuclear weapons as part of a general reduction of armaments would not afford an ultimate solution, it would serve certain important purposes. First, any agreement between East and West is to the good in so far as it tends to diminish tension. Second, the abolition of thermo-nuclear weapons, if each side believed that the other had carried it out sincerely, would lessen the fear of a sudden attack in the style of Pearl Harbour, which at present keeps both sides in a state of nervous apprehension. We should, therefore, welcome such an agreement though only as a first step.

Most of us are not neutral in feeling, but, as human beings, we have to remember that, if the issues between East and West are to be decided in any manner that can give any possible satisfaction to anybody, whether Communist or anti-Communist, whether Asian or European or American, whether White or Black, then these issues must not be decided by war. We should wish this to be understood, both in the East and in the West.

There lies before us, if we choose, continual progress in happiness, knowledge, and wisdom. Shall we, instead, choose death, because we cannot forget our quarrels? We appeal as human beings to human beings: Remember your humanity, and forget the rest. If you can do so, the way lies open to a new Paradise; if you cannot, there lies before you the risk of universal death.

Resolution:

We invite this Congress, and through it the scientists of the world and the general public, to subscribe to the following resolution:

“In view of the fact that in any future world war nuclear weapons will certainly be employed, and that such weapons threaten the continued existence of mankind, we urge the governments of the world to realize, and to acknowledge publicly, that their purpose cannot be furthered by a world war, and we urge them, consequently, to find peaceful means for the settlement of all matters of dispute between them.”

Signed:
Max Born
Percy W. Bridgman
Albert Einstein
Leopold Infeld
Frederic Joliot-Curie
Herman J. Muller
Linus Pauling
Cecil F. Powell
Joseph Rotblat
Bertrand Russell
Hideki Yukawa

I heard the voice, the voice of ones that couldn’t speak in a language I can understand. But I understand in the shallowest degree, their cry. I do not know what they are crying for specifically, but I hear them. I hear them yearning for something that is quite out of reach or maybe something to be removed from their body. It drags on for sometime before I slide open my window, letting go some of the conditioned air trapped in this cube, peering with ears trying to be ever so sensitive to pick up the lightest and the softest sound. Funny, sometimes my friends refer to me by the moniker half deaf. This is not the first time I’ve heard these voices, and I’m not saying that this is the doing of some odd spiritual being. I’m just saying that that’s what I heard. I repeated the action of sliding open the window and stretching my neck out as far as I could trying to determine where did these voices come from a few more times. There was only the sound of the carpark, the trees, the water from the neighbouring toilets. There is no cry. Every time I hear it, there is no voice and there is no cry. But when I sit back down on my bed, there they are. I wonder how are they, whoever might be, doing.

Every Sunday night I don’t sleep. I stay up right till it became Monday morning. The real morning with the sunshine invading my lonesome thoughts. Haha lonesome, funny, not really. Paint my room I mean. But actually I have curtains that blocked that sugar ray out. I want to live somewhere higher with windows right by my bed, my helpful dead butler to receive and provide me with everyday sugar ray. So when I wake up I can look out the window, as long as I keep breathing calmly, I can see and feel that i can I do anything. These all don’t make sense, in short it only says that I don’t sleep on Sunday nights. &/”:$£\*\\€[€_>_£\¥\|£]*]€]*€*#£?|%|!\¥\€.!£\

The count

“You know, a few months ago, I made a terrible mistake. I realized something, and instead of crushing the thought the moment it came I… I let it hang on, and now I know it to be true. And I’m afraid it’s stuck in my head forever. These are the best days of our lives. It’s a terrible thing to know, but I know it.”

Hey I’m sorry